This is what depression feels like

May 7, 2013

I spend all day at school, my feet shuffling from class to class, my body filling desks, my eyes staring vacantly. I know I should pay more attention, but I am not really there.

I spend all lunch hiding out in the library, away from snickering faces and prying eyes. There is literally no one left at school that doesn't dislike me in some degree and at this point it's just exhausting.

I go to swim practice after school, and I know that I should put everything into this. God, swim is my life for 5 months a year. But now it is different, and I can’t bring myself to care enough, to put anything into it.

I go home and I know I need to do all this school work and homework, but I just don’t. I sit on the couch doing nothing. I know that my education is important, bla bla bla, but it just doesn’t seem important anymore. Any of it.

When evening comes, I know I should be hungry, but I’m not. All I feel is this horrible aching in my stomach, in my heart, this emptiness that consumes me. I know I should go eat something, fill myself up with something, but I can’t remember the last time something actually tasted good. 

I lay in my bed and I know that I should sleep, but I can’t. Logically, I know that I felt, or rather didn't feel, all of this before.. yesterday. But yesterday was the last straw. I have been strong and carried on for far too long. I start making plans. Tomorrow is Wednesday; Mom usually lets me take the car to school on Wednesdays. I can ditch guitar class, go for a drive.. and well, car crashes happen all the time, right?
        You wander from your cozy little spot set firmly in the center of my mind and start giving opinions that I haven't asked for. Part of you is very disappointed and can't believe I'd even think about this. You love me and isn't that reason enough to stay alive?? The other part is egging me on. 

I want so badly to just sleep, to just shut this all out. It is too late for me to be making plans. This is the inbetween hour when sleep evades my grasp, when these shadows and monsters come back to haunt me. I know sleep is my only escape, but sleep hasn’t rejuvenated me in so long. I just feel tired all the time, afraid to sleep, knowing that it won’t help.

The only thing I feel anymore is despair.