Breaking down and breaking up

October 29, 2013

As Jacob takes my face in his hands and kisses me, I’m thrown back to another place, another time, another boy, you, and for a second I feel so complete and happy. I keep my eyes closed a second after the kiss ends, prolonging the moment. But when I open my eyes, it’s just Jacob and I feel guilty and horrible for even imagining, hoping… 

When I get home, I turn on the C.D. you made me, get out your picture, pull on the socks from you, reread all of your old letters (and thats a whole lot of letters) and snuggle with the adorable dog stuffed animal you gave me. I cry and I cry hard. I miss you, and it’s so confusing because doing all of this makes me feel the most whole I’ve felt in a long time.

It takes me hours to drift into restless sleep.

 October 30, 2013

I’ve been feeling so down, so self-critical this week. My eyebrows are too thick, my butt chin sticks out, my eyes are black and my hair is frizzy.

And then, I wake up to a text from you.

“You miss me. Real or not real?”

And before I can even think, my fingers are typing back.

“Real.”

I scold myself as I walk to the bathroom. That was stupid, that was stupid.

And then as I look in the mirror, everything changes. My hair cascades down my back in curls, my big brown eyes blink in surprise under thin smooth eyebrows. I’m beautiful.

When I realize the reason for the change, I sob.

It’s a brief conversation with Jacob. I tell him that I still have all these confused feelings for you, that it’s not fair to make him deal with my issues. He doesn’t say anything. I plead with him to keep our friendship. That has been a constant over the past three years. I can’t lose that. He agrees with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

The second I’m away from him, I text you and ask to meet.