Everyone knows to stay out of my war path, except apparently you

March 6, 2013

 “-believe that her life is so perfect!”

I hesitate outside the classroom door, not wanting to interrupt whatever intense conversation is going on between Jade and Tim and a few others.

“I mean, her parents are together, she lives in a beautiful house, she’s the effing valedictorian, what does she have to complain about??”

Me. Jade is talking about me.

“Jade, it’s not like—” I make out Tim’s voice before he’s interrupted.

“No. She has no reason to be so effing depressed. She’s such a slut and attention whore. After what she did to Jacob, I’m glad he told her off.”

I’m a crier, but after hearing this, I just feel angry. I rip down the ramp, my duffel bag slamming against the door as I tear around the corner. It takes me a record two minutes to get to the pool area, where I swing the gate open and dump my backpack.

Daniel raises a hand. “Hey Je-”

I blow past him, taking my duffel bag into the locker room and changing in a corner. Throwing my bag and towel onto the bleachers, I snap the cap onto my head along with my googles and do rushed stretches before diving in. Practice isn’t due to start for another ten minutes but I can’t sit still for another second.

I throw myself into practice, completing sets with a vigor that borders on reckless. Tim hops into my lane, like he usually does, but he keeps his distance. He knows when to stay out of my way.

I stay late to finish the whole work out, even though Coach lets everyone go for the day. Mostly I just don’t want to talk to anyone, but people are still socializing outside after I’ve changed out of my suit.

Daniel catches my eyes as I retrieve my backpack and gives me a weary smile. I can’t muster a smile, but hopefully he notices my softening at his concern. To my surprise, it’s Jacob who reaches out to brush my arm as I pass him. I shy away from his touch and he retreats, settling with a firm “Please don’t do anything dumb.”

Even though I know it’s irrational, I still feel myself getting angry at the comment. Just because he knows me well enough to read me doesn’t mean he has any right to make a comment like that anymore.

Tim catches me just outside the pool gate, tugging my elbow which I wrench from his grasp. He takes a step back…but when I don’t walk away, he takes two steps forward.

“Do you want to talk abo-”

“Don’t.” He blinks at me. “Please. I don’t want to take this out on you when it has nothing to do you with you.

A pause. “I don’t mind, Jess. Really.” His fingertips brush mine and I flinch.

“I have to go.”

“Hey.” He snatches my hand and turns me towards him. “Call me if you need anything.”

I snatch my hand right back and book it for the school gates. Even this brief exchange has slowed me down enough that some of the unprocessed emotional crap has caught up with me, and hot tears come pouring out as I power up the hill home. I don’t stop until I reach the top and my phone buzzes.

I swear, if it’s Jacob, I’m gonna..

But it’s not Jacob.

It’s you.

“Hey beautiful :) How was your day?”

And just like that, my anger has an outlet. Not even a misdirected one.

“Really awful.” I shoot back as I cross the street and turn the corner.

“Aww :/ What happened?”

What happened?

“Well, let’s see. I am so done with my life that I can’t even get out of bed in the morning. I don’t get hungry or enjoy food. I can’t focus in class and I’m bombing quizzes left and right. I am anti-social and I can’t sleep and I can’t think and I don’t even feel like me anymore. I'm so depressed that Jade has decided I'm a drama queen and also a slut, and is informing the entire school. You wanna know what happened? You happened.”

By the time I’ve typed this out, I’m turning into my cul-de-sac. I’m fumbling for my keys when you respond.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I apologize. I am so sorry, Jessica. For so many things.”

I drop my backpack on the couch and spit a response back.

“Sorry doesn’t make anything different. It can’t make up for what happened. I was doing just fine before you came into my life and you ruined everything. My family, my friends, my religion.. I can’t believe we’re even talking now. I can’t believe how stupid I am for letting you back into my life. I will never be free of you, but I’m sure as hell not doing myself any favors still hanging around with you.”

I’m sitting there with my head in my hands when your text comes in.

“You’re probably right.”

In an instant, all of the anger drains from my body and I collapse into myself, pulling my knees to my chest. We’ve been through a lot together and you might’ve even deserved the things I said, but I’ve never been this vicious with you.

The worst part is that you just took it. I would’ve preferred you to argue back. I can’t respond furiously to “you’re probably right.”

Another buzz. “Jess, I don’t think there will ever come a day where I’m not in love with you to some degree. I just want you to be happy. And if that requires me to drop out of your life, I can do that.”

For the first time, I see how manipulative this is. You have put me through so much, yet you’re the one being noble by “letting me go”? How are you the hero here?

You shouldn’t be.

I am done playing this game with you. Any response would just agitate the already delicate situation here.

I set my phone down and join my parents in the kitchen. I need to be around people, need a distraction. Without anger fueling me, I feel empty, deflated, ready to do just what Jacob told me not to.

My heart catches up with my head and gives annoying little flares of pain to remind me how much I still frikkin’ love you. I will never understand how that works.

For now, I allow my mind to gag and bind my heart, so that the absence of pain is the only thing left to fill the spot where you used to be.