Music is the worst reminder of You

August 14, 2012

“This 80’s music is so awkward!” I’m shouting to be heard above the pounding bass.

“It’s only awkward if you make it awkward!” Rose’s casual comment, with all good intentions.

But it feels like a punch in the gut. My hands clench up as I try to keep a smile on my face.

Just then “Another One Bites the Dust” comes on the speakers. My nails dig deeper into my palms and my composure slips that much more.

I can handle this, I can handle this. But when the next song is “Marry Me” by Train, I can’t get to the door fast enough.

I close the bathroom door and break down, sobbing and gasping for air. How can You still haunt me like this??

It brush my fingers down my arm, over my scars. It’s a nervous habit I’ve developed. Before I know it, there is a new wound that will scar to match. This icy clarity overtakes me and I feel blissfully empty.

I return to the dance, empty smile plastered on my face. There is a slow song playing and so I move to sit down, but before I can, Jacob's eyes catch mine from across the room. Our gaze lasts one second, two, three, and then he smiles extra big like he knows how empty I am and is trying to fill me up with smiles and warmth.

We make our way across the room to each other and without saying a word, he takes my hand and pulls me close for a dance, body moving with mine, just holding me close.

He twirls me, and I can feel a real smile slide onto my face, with such ease, like I wasn’t just hurting myself to take away the pain just ten minutes ago.

He catches his smile and asks, “What?” with a smile of his own.

“Well, my sisters always told me that if a boy ever twirled me, I had to marry him!”

I’m half-joking, but his smile just grows as he says, “Well in that case…” and then he twirls me about ten more times until I collapse, laughing and dizzy into his arms.