You broke me into pieces so tiny I wasn't sure I existed

January 26, 2011

We are in your car, your silver cube car, in the backseat. We’ve already been kissing for a good hour.

Your hands have taken a half hour to creep up my sides, massage my chest. You are still so shy about it.

It’s gotten pretty heated, you’ve just taken off your shirt, both our cheeks are flushed. You’re more into it than I am. You always are.

Then, a low growling comes from the back of your throat, your kissing becoming more desperate, more needy, as if you’ll die if you don’t get enough now.

The change frightens me. I try to push you away with confused hands, but you don’t feel my push, like always. I am so weak compared to you.

 Your hand drops from my waist, runs down my leg, and then onto yours as you works off your belt, then your jean button and zipper.

My eyes are closed. But I hear the zipper and my eyes shoot open in surprise, my hands moving to push you away more firmly. You have to have felt my push this time, but you just pull me even closer, your hand running back across my leg, sliding up my arm to take my hand, leading my hand down, down-

 I freeze. You pull harder. I know I will have bruises tomorrow in the shape of fingerprints on my wrist.

You pull harder then, as hard as you can, placing your hand over mine, molding my hand to your penis. I’m so shocked, I can’t even...

You jerk my hand upward and downward, helping me to pleasure yourself, and once you think I’ve got the hang of it or whatever, you let go of my hand.

I immediately withdraw my hand, again attempting to push away from you, but you make that sound again, low in your throat and seize my hand and put it back.

I’m so panicked. What is this wetness on my cheeks? I can’t focus on anything. It’s all spinning and out of focus.

The second you let go, I do too, and after this time, you just keep your hand on mine, up, down, up, down, up down, up down.

You’re kissing me so hard, I wouldn’t be surprised if my lips bruise too.

When you break the kiss to catch a breath, I shove in a desperate plea.

“Ian, no. Please, please, no.”

If I expect a gentle reaction, this is not it. You let out a giant sigh, shoving me away from you.

“Ian??” Oh no. Oh no. What have I done?? I’m losing him.

I hear the zipper go back up, the button buttoned. You’re fumbling with your belt. Your eyes are black, black, black.

“Here, let me.” I move myself closer, reaching for the belt. When I can’t figure it out in the next 15 seconds you sigh even louder, pushing me so hard that I hit the opposite car door and I’m dizzy for a second.

“Ian??” I’ve lost him. I’m such a retard. What’s wrong with me??

You don’t reply, just slam the side door, walk around and climb into the driver seat.

“Get up here.” Your voice is so rough.

I tenderly climb out, close the side door, wince at my already red wrist. I slide into the seat next to you.

Silence. All the way to the school. Complete silence. It’s so loud. I can’t even hear myself think. You don’t even turn on your music, which is weird for you.

When we get to the school, you stop the car and unlocks the doors.

Your eyes are still dark, fury burning beneath. I reach out to turn your face to mine. My hand is shaking.

“Go.” I’m shocked by the tone of your voice. Go?

And then I see your hands clenched into fists and your fists are shaking. And the wild darkness in your eyes suddenly seems more alive, entering my twisted reality, swirling around, around, and I’m very afraid and I can’t get out of there fast enough.

I end up tripping over m y bags, landing in a heap outside your door. You speed off without another word, leaving me alone, drowning in the setting sunlight, all the pinks and purples too perfect to even be real and I’m too shocked to even cry.



January 27, 2011

Blissfully blank, and it feels good.

Cuz I’m in love, and just happy.

The battle scars and broken heart

Are nothing to be bothered with of course

Nor the screaming, the pounding inside my head

The words ripping apart my subconscious.

If I had a choice, right now I’d be dead.