Jacob is trying his best to replace you

September 5, 2011
          I’m crouched behind the wall separating the locker room door from the pool area. I used some lame excuse to wave everyone else on ahead of me, and I’ve been here for at least five minutes now, trying to get myself under control. I can’t be this much of a mess, not on game day.

But goodness, what a horrible day. It’s half school and stress… and half this little nagging thought in the back of my mind, that I can’t quite bring into focus. I don’t know why it unsettles me so much.

I take a few more deep breaths, closing my eyes and shoving everything out of my head. I need to concentrate. Pushing myself onto my feet and taking another deep breath, I square my shoulders and step away from the wall.

I’m on autopilot as I turn the corner and push open the gate, trying to keep my mind from wandering much more. I wipe away the remaining moisture gathered at the corners of my eyes, annoyed at the liquid weakness.

My hand freezes when I glance up and see none other than Jacob, standing outside the pool area waiting for me. His eyes are filled with concern, meaning he saw me wiping at my eyes. Dammit.

We look at each other for a few seconds. Then he just holds open his arms to me. I don’t hesitate to throw myself into them. I get teary all over again and he tightens his arm around me, drawing me closer, surrounding me with his warmth. The smell of his cologne mixes with the taste of my tears.

He doesn’t let go. He holds me as I cry into his chest, my shoulders shaking, my breath coming in strangled gasps. 

The last time I cried this hard in front of someone was January with you. It was the day after I told my parents I wasn't going to church anymore. The morning had started with a horrific argument with them and I'd asked you to just come. You did.  You'd held me and I'd sobbed.

I didn't restrain my tears then and I don't restrain them now. Jacob holds me like he always has, like you used to. But this time with Jacob is different somehow and something undefinable shifts inside of me.

I don’t know how long we stand like that until I’m able to half-way compose myself. I feel him shift his weight away from me and find myself panicked at the thought of him letting go. But he just lifts my chin with his hand, sending an unfamiliar rush through my stomach.

“You okay?”

I look at him with puffy eyes and he reconsiders his question.

“Are you okay to walk to the bus? I bet they’re waiting for us.”

I duck my eyes. I feel more than hear him sigh, and he pulls his steady arms from around my body. My eyes flash to his and he must read the panic there because he gets this almost pained smile and reaches for my hand as a compromise.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I register the fat that we are holding hands and he is rubbing his thumb across my hand, but I’m distracted, analyzing his expression. A pained smile?

Then it clicks. This is hard for him. I’m sending mixed signals. I need this physical comfort, need his steady hand in mine, and so he’ll give it to me without complaint. But it will always mean something more to him and that’s hard for him, because I’ve told him it will never mean anything more to me.

Jacob tugs me to start walking. We fall into step together, him pausing to match our footsteps because he knows it’ll bother me if they aren’t in sync.

A smile pulls at my lips just as he says, “Do you want to talk about it?”

My smile falls.

“Um.. I’m not.. I just.. mm..” My words fail me for once.

“School?” Goodness, he knows me so well.

“Partially..” He squeezes my hand and I feel the same unfamiliar rush in my stomach. What is this?

“And the other part..?” He probes, his voice gentle.

“I don’t even know.” And he must hear the tears threatening through my voice because he stops walking to pull me into his embrace again.

“Jess.. you’re going to be alright. We’ll figure this out together.”

A few stray tears roll down my cheek and he gives me a soft smile, reaching to brush them away.

“Alright, you ready?” He nods around the corner, towards the waiting bus.

I bite my lip, but nod, and we turn the corner hand in hand.