Roses and cupcakes don't last

It’s Valentine’s Day. And it’s the first Valentine’s Day in years that I’ve spent single.

              

            2013

Last year, it was Tim. I remember Hedge left the room just as the bell rang, to do who knows what. If I’m being honest, I think he knew exactly what was going on between Tim and me and was trying to give us some privacy.

Tim initiated, taking the step closer that completely crossed and kind of friendship line. and wrapping his arms around my waist. I still felt so guilty about us, what with Megan just an hour away, but the day was already proving to be a rough anniversary date.. I allowed him to lean his forehead against mine and brush my lips with his.

While I didn’t pull him closer, I certainly wasn’t protesting. He pressed his lips to mine with one of the most delicate kisses I’d ever had with him, just enough pressure to assure me of his affection without taking the kiss somewhere he could tell I wasn’t in the mood for.

It did nothing. I felt nothing. When I didn’t kiss him back, he stepped away and squeezed my hand.

“I’ll see you at lunch?”

I nodded, eyes dropped.

The door of the classroom flew open and Tim dropped his hand quickly. With a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, he said goodbye and turned away.

             

            2012

The year before it was Jacob. Although we weren’t officially together, he was my best friend in the world and we’d held hands and were all sorts of confusing.

He found me before school and ran up with an eager smile and a small plastic container in his hand.

“Jess!” He took the lid off the container and produced a single cupcake, all red and pink and hearts. “I..” He suddenly seemed shy. “I made this for you.” He glanced up at me and I was already smiling.

He handed me the cupcake and I took it, hands brushing and lingering.

“Thank you.”

He shrugged, “Of course,” and offered me his arm. I took it, hip checking him and laughing on the way to first block. It was the first Valentine’s Day since you, so naturally the majority of the day was horrendous. But that small moment with Jacob gave me a little bit to hang on to.

              

            2011

Three years ago (wow that’s weird to realize), was you. My family was gone for the whole evening, picking up Dad at the airport. I stayed home, saying I had a chem lab to work on.

And I mean, I did work on it.. until you picked me up.

I was cleaning the kitchen, which was a guilt thing, when you knocked on the door. Grinning, I paused my music and slid across the wooden floor in my socks, stopping in front of the door. I opened it. You bent down to kiss me.

“Hey there, gorgeous.” You murmured against my lips.

I sighed into you. “Hi.”

Without hesitating, you stepped inside and I nudged the door shut. With one hand you brushed a piece of hair behind my ear, with the other you found your spot on the small of my back and pulled me closer. I could’ve stayed there forever.. but just as you leaned in to kiss me again, my grumbling stomach gave me away.

You pulled away, smiling. “Dinner?”

We drove across town in your cube car, holding hands the whole way. You stopped at In-N-Out and I just beamed because you knew I didn’t get to go there as often as I liked.

Two cheeseburgers, one with tomato and one without, and a shared milkshake later, we sat at In-N-Out for at least an hour, holding hands across the table and just talking. It was all I needed, you were all I needed, but you had other plans for the evening.

           

            2010

The year before was our first Valentine’s Day. You bought me a giant teddy bear and a bouquet of roses and chocolates and some balloons. I rolled my eyes at the entire production, but neither of us had had a real Valentine before, so I let it pass in the excitement of it all. This was in the old days, before we’d even kissed. So we just sat together and talked and had a ridiculously long hug goodbye. And for then, it was enough.

2014

This year, I spend Valentine's Day with my roommates, some of the dearest and most loyal friends I've had yet. When I veto the plan to go to Olive Garden (I haven't been there since last November), we make reservations at Tucanos instead and dress up all fancy and make each other Valentines and giggle the entire night, unashamed. 

I sit there at the table, thinking of all my past Valentine's Days, all the boys that didn't last, and I realize that this, here, now... it doesn't make up for all the memories that have turned sour, but I feel at peace knowing that the memory I'm making now will be nearly unspoilable.