In with the old and out with the new

      October 14, 2013  
      I glance away from the screen where a couple passionately embraces, taking a deep breath.
      "I think it's almost worse when you know what you're missing.."
      This is my one attempt at defending myself this evening against Grace and Leah's wistful whines: "Oh, I want a boyfriend! Jessica, you don't know how lonely we are. At least you've had boyfriends! You're so lucky!"
      I'm not so sure lucky would accurately describe the string of jerks, liars, misfits that I've been romantic with.
      Leah gets all up in my face. "Oh no. You don't know how it is! You don't understand how it is to be single your whole life!!"
      Grace echoes a firm, "Yeah!"
      I hold back a billion comebacks and they go back to watching the movie.
      It always ends up here, doesn't it? Comparing pain as if it's a competition. It's true that I'll never completely understand, but neither will they. How can we compare, when we all have different pain levels? A three to me could be a ten for them.
      Still, Leah's angry assumption and Grace's agreement bother me in a deep way. It's conversations like this, where they don't even attempt to be understanding, that make me never want to open up to them, but at the same time explain every excruciating thing I've ever experienced to shock them into a humbled silence.
      The first part wins out, and I direct my attention back to the movie, rubbing my hand along my left forearm.
      My phone lights up in the dark room and I immediately reach for it to turn off the notification. Tumblr. Woah, a new follower? I navigate onto the tumblr app, swiping onto my new follower's page.
      Daniel. My heart stops. It's Daniel. I didn't even know he had a tumblr, didn't know he remembered mine. But he's found me.
      I don't let people that I know follow me on tumblr. I just don't. My thumb hovers over the block button on his page.
      Another notification. This time a message on tumblr.
      "Hi. I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch. Things have been crazy. I'm actually really sorry that I went and found your tumblr. I know it's personal for you. I just want you to know that you still have a friend to talk to. Even if I can't understand exactly what you're going through. But if you want me to unfollow you, I will. -Daniel."
      A number of responses run through my head, none of them good. I'm sucked into memories of him, which are all tainted by you. Even while he and I were together.. you were never really gone. Not like I wanted you to be. Not like you are now.
      Maybe a friendship with him would actually work without you.
      I lock my screen and set my phone back down, deciding that I will message him in the morning.