It's been a whopping four days since Daniel and I last spoke. It's been weird, but not hard to keep myself from texting him. We've been blowing up at each other so much recently. I'm still pretty mad.
I'm not mad at Ryan though. He knows me and he makes me laugh so hard. When he reaches for my hand, I let him, and when he reaches for the check (Denny's milkshakes for the zillionth time) I let him too, although with more resistance.
We drive home and walk up to his dorm...and hesitate in his doorway. He kinda looks at me and I bite my lip and he holds open his arms. I bury my face in his shoulder, smell the leather of his jacket.
After a couple moments, he sighs. "I should probably go."
Ah, yes. He has a date after this. With a girl he's not dating because his feelings are kinda split and confused. I want to be mad and jealous but I've spent the whole semester feeling split and confused too.
"Nooo," I'm muffled against his shoulder, so I pull away slightly. He dips his head, nestling his forehead against mine. We're quiet for a long moment. I feel like I can't get a deep breath.
"What are you thinking?" I ask.
"Nothing useful," is his response.
"That depends on your definition.."
We're both a little frozen in indecision. I want to kiss him so badly. Probably for some wrong reasons but for some right ones too. This is the last time I'll see him for two and a half years. That's a long time. I could be married by the time he gets home (hah). Or just be an entirely different person. Both technically reasons why I shouldn't. But man, I want to.
We hear footsteps around the corner and break apart. I take a step back, but he catches my hand, holding it with loose fingers. A guy comes around the corner.
"Oh. Hey Ryan."
"Hey Jayson."
And he keeps walking.
Ryan looks down at me. "Jess...I really need to-"
In a kinda signature Jessica move, I take a step back in, grab his shirt and pull his lips to mine. There's a moment where it's almost like he's so surprised that he forgets to kiss me back, but then his lips part under the pressure and his hands find the small of my back, pulling me closer. It's slow and it's brief and then he's pulling away.
Frik. He's a good kisser. I'm grinning like an idiot and he's...pressing his lips together..
"Was that okay?" I ask. I'm suddenly terrified I overstepped some unspoken line.
He hesitates for a heart-breaking moment.
"Yes." He doesn't pull away but he doesn't sound sure.
"Ryan, I'm sorry if I...if this isn't what you..."
"No. It was something I wanted to do before I left."
What, like a checklist? Uhhh okay.
"You seem very hesitant."
He draws me back in, brushing his lips against mine, kissing me for a long moment that still isn't enough. His voice is low when he speaks again.
"I'm not hesitant about you or this. Just the timing."
I groan. "Sorry.."
"It's okay. We've both been a little wrapped up." His nose brushes mine. I close my eyes.
"Is this still okay now? I can leave..."
"It's okay," he repeats. I need more than okay though.
"It's...enjoyable?" The awkward phrasing tumbles out of my mouth before I can stop it, but he just laughs.
"Very much so.
And our lips meet again.. and again.. and again. I make him a half hour late to his date (a mixture of talking and a little kissing, no hardcore makeouts here) and I should care more but I don't.
I finally separate myself, because he seems incapable of doing so, which is a really good feeling. I back out of the doorway, eyes lingering on his.
"I'll see you later," he says.
"Someday?" I smirk.
He gives me a stern look. "What crude language. We don't use that word, remember?"
I step back to him, lifting my lips to his.
"I'm sorry. Does that make up for it?"
He frowns. "I dunno.."
I laugh and kiss him again, lingering for too long. We draw apart and the moment has a certain finality to it.
"Later," I confirm.
"Later." His lips brush my forehead and I squeeze his hand. Then I turn down the hallway and I don't look back.
The moment I reach the safety of my car, I'm crying. I've used up at least two lifetimes of tears in the past month and a half. I am so sick of crying.
And it's only half because.. that was it. I may never see him again.
The other half is a sudden and awful realization that.. he's not you.
If I'm being honest, I've known for a while. I knew it before I kissed him and I kissed him anyway. The knowledge doesn't mean that I suddenly like him any less or that we're not as good friends anymore. But our differences in humor and age are too much.
I need to start paying attention to that voice telling me who is and isn't you, preferably before I kiss them. I can't keep kissing everyone. It's not going to solve my loneliness and it won't make my problems with Daniel disappear. It's just complicating my path to you.
I know hearing this must be getting old, but please get here soon, and know that I love you.
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