After listening to me rant about everything that happened this summer with Daniel.. everything I hadn’t told her.. well the first thing she did is hit me with a pillow. Repeatedly.

And then Grace and I sat down and made rules for me. It’s like last week when she set bedtimes for me because I was sick and not taking care of myself. Sometimes I just need someone to give me boundaries and love me.

We call them:

THE DANIEL RULES

1)      Don’t tell him about the rules.

I literally broke this rule hours after we set it. I couldn’t limit communication with him and not explain. It was an awful idea to tell him, because he launched into a rant about how Mormonism is keeping us apart and I just need to “accept that I’m wrong.” Time spent crying after breaking the rule: 15 minutes. On Skype still.

2)      Skype only once a week for no more than two hours.

Yeah this got broken with the last one. Time spent crying after breaking this rule (after hanging up): 30 minutes.

3)      No talking about each other’s romantic lives.

Last week a girl came over to watch a movie with him and played with his hair. It’s been killing me and I just want to ask about her all the time and it needs to stop. Time spent crying about this before this rule: 10 minutes.

4)      Limit the amount of flirting that goes on.

Apparently Grace didn’t think we were capable of stopping completely. But I’m not allowed to tell him I miss him or I love him anymore. It makes sense. He started the flirting last night though. And it was bad because we….

5)      No texting each other after midnight

…texted until 2 am. We fought over who started breaking rule #4 first, and he said he couldn’t take another fight about this.

Me: I think you actually enjoy these fights. You like telling me how wrong I am in a variety of situations.

Daniel: Why would I like that. I don’t want you to be wrong.

Me: Well good because I’m freaking not wrong about my religion.

Yeah. It was bad. Time spent crying after breaking rule 4 and 5: 1 hour.

The rules came with the condition that I’d report my infractions within 24 hours to Grace and that she could decide on my “punishment.” Mostly it’s been getting hit with pillows and then getting an even bigger hug because I start crying again. She’s been so supportive. It’s been stupid hard and I feel like a broken record but she’s been there every step. She reminds me that Daniel is an *** (her wording.. literally).

I know he’s not you.

I’m reminded every time he and I awkwardly gloss over a church related topic.. when we full out fight over it. When he tells me I’m wrong and bad and purposefully hurts me.

He’s not a member and he never will be. He doesn’t respect the church, so he doesn’t really respect me. He is not you.

But I love him, dammit. I could write paragraphs about how wonderful he is and how he’s very good for me and it would all be true.

I know he’s not you. But you’re not here. I’m so tired of looking.

Please come soon and know that I’ll love you even more.