When this eventually comes up, I will probably just refer you to this post

There is something I need to get out in the open before I have this argument with you, because I just can’t—I literally cannot have this argument again with anyone else.

I’m still friends with Ian on Facebook.

*Gasp!*

What?? How could I? Don’t I know how stupid this is?

Yes, I do. Thank you. Almost every single person I love, most recently Daniel (and I’m still pretty furious at him), has repeatedly told me how completely idiotic it is to have my abuser on Facebook.

I DON’T NEED ANY MORE CRITICISM OK

Here’s the deal.

I have defriended Ian on Facebook about a million times. The cycle will go like this.

Oh I’m so sad over our break up.

Looking at his profile isn’t healthy for me. I need to defriend him.

It feels so good to be completely cut off from him!

But.

But wait.

I wonder how he’s doing?

Is he hurting as much as I am?

Does he miss me?

Did he coach tennis this year? Did his sister finally get married?

Oh my gosh. I have to know, I have to find a way to ask him!

I can’t friend him on Facebook, not after all the work I went through to defriend him.

I know! I have a great idea.

I’ll text him.

Yeah! Just one little text to know how he’s doing.

That’s all.

The second I’m talking to him again, he starts manipulating and then I REALLY go all stupid and illogical. I was in that cycle for so long.. I know myself, and I know that if I defriend him, the cycle will begin anew. And I can’t afford that. I can’t afford to be back under his spell.

So here’s what I’ve done. Ian is categorized under “acquaintances” which means, under my privacy settings, he can’t see anything I post. Nothing. I don’t message him or like his posts.

But when I really miss him or am just thinking about him a lot, I go browse his profile. Just for a little bit. It eases the aching for him in a safe way. It’s a way to keep the real him out of my life. It’s maybe not the healthiest, but it’s much healthier than being in direct contact with him.

                Know what’s not healthy though?? Having to defend my life decisions to the people closest to me. This is not a rash choice. I have put a lot of thought into it and decided it’s what’s best for me right now. I know it doesn’t seem smart and I appreciate whatever concern is behind the increasingly annoying comments.

                But part of loving me is trusting my judgement, even on this, especially on this. Sorry. 

                I guess the hope is that when you come into my life, when I know you're here.. I won't have to keep Ian on facebook anymore, I won't want to. So, please don't argue with me about this, but know that it's not permanent. It's a transition to a better place, an Ian-free (as much as I can be) existence.. a transition to you. 

                Please be supportive, and know that I love you.