California has given me many things but fireflies are not one of them

If mom walks into the room, I don’t know how I’m gonna explain this. But being outdoors is just too much of a risk right now with the clouds of mosquitos that hover right outside the door. Instead I’m positioned on the floor in front of the sliding door, all the lights off, and because that wasn’t enough, the curtains are drawn around me too. My forehead presses against the cool glass, leaving a little smear when I pull away to readjust.

I catch myself scanning the backyard the same way I’ve been trained to scan the pool- top to bottom, left to right, ten seconds for each scan. Yup, I’ve definitely been spending too much time at work.

I sigh into the glass, fogging it up briefly, my mind playing back the drive home with Dad tonight.

It’s not uncommon for grocery runs with Dad to turn into ice cream trips and he hadn’t disappointed tonight. I was already in a good mood, cruising down finally familiar streets, switching through songs on my iPod and considering rolling the windows down.

“Jess.” I glanced up at Dad and his eyes were bright, something increasingly uncommon with him lately. “I just saw a firefly.”

“What?!” I swear I nearly slammed on the brakes—I’d been waiting for this all summer. In my firefly craze, I’d scoured google for information and facts about this phenomenon I’d been denied my entire life so far. I knew what kind of habitat fireflies liked (long grass, near water) and how long they lived (two months). I knew the science behind the light (luciferin in the abdomen reacting with the air). I knew the main purpose of the light was for males to signal desire for mates, and that willing females answered with flashes of their own.

 Now that the moment had arrived, all I wanted to do was pull over and just… observe, just watch.

My eyes darted back towards the road and I caught a burst of light, not too long and not very bright. But then there was another. And another. I sucked in a breath, not quite a gasp, and mostly just an expression of awe. That was what I’d been missing out on?? I was probably veering all over the road, entra  nced by the brief blazes as I was.

And it didn’t wear off. The rest of the drive home as peppered with “There!” and “Look!” from Dad and me both. I felt like a little six year old, but man.

It’s these kinds of moments, filled with novelty and wonder and joy, that make me grateful I didn’t end my life senior year or one hundred times since.

I’m jerked back to the cool glass and darkening night in front of me by sniffing right outside the curtain. Something soft pokes at my arm. I lift up the curtain and sure enough, here comes Callie, crawling under it and getting in my face. I laugh and nudge her off but not away.

She looks out the door and perks her ears forward intently. I reach up a hand and scratch her neck.

PLUNK. I’m shoved rudely to the side by her trying to sit on top of me. Laughing to myself again, I scoot over and draw the curtain around us both.

She sits with me for the entire time I’m on firefly watch. It must be at least twenty minutes. Every now and then she’ll turn towards me and try to lick my face. But mostly she just sits with me and watches.

We catch more than a couple little flickers, each one igniting the dark for an instant.

I find myself wondering if this is what marriage is like. Not the licking the face part. But the company part. Just sitting by each other. Not having to explain. Looking for the little flashes of beauty and light.
         I hope so.
         Please be luminous and know I love you.