When six hours somehow resolves five years of hell

For reasons that I can’t explain, Ian called me this week.

For reasons don’t even want to think about, I picked up.

It was a six hour conversation. I’m not kidding.

Essentially he wanted to try again. He claimed to be reformed. He promised to ask permission every time before he touched me even a little, even to hold my hand.

We had a mini conversation about love languages because he realized now that people need to be loved differently. His main love language was physical touch. He scored a 9/12.

I scored a 0/12 in that category.

He straight up told me he still loves me.

I told him how I reported him and what happened to the police.

He didn’t take it so well. He started hyperventilating and having an anxiety attack on the phone. I stayed on the phone with him for an hour after, because I know anxiety, and I know better than to leave someone in the middle of an attack. I tried to help.

He was just going back and forth between crying and saying he was so scared and then telling me how perfect I was and that he was so grateful to “have me” and then just crying more.

It scared me. The Ian I fell in love with was so emotionally steady. It was terrifying to see him lose it. It made me realize that he did, and probably still does, lose control in other ways too.

It finally changed how I see him. It’s always been this awful mix between fearing him and being in love with him, romanticizing him into someone incapable of making mistakes and generalizing him as a monster who destroys everything.

He’s just unstable.

He’s good and bad, he’s loving and manipulating, he’s human.

But he’s a particularly unstable human.

I don’t love him anymore. But I don’t hate him anymore either. I think mostly I just pity him.

It’s been five long years, but I feel like I’ve finally gotten some closure. I don’t think I need to keep him on Facebook anymore. I don’t think I need his box of letters anymore. I’m not going back there, back to him.

I have no desire to go back to him.

Absolutely none.

It’s a freaking miracle. Seriously.

I’m trying to be careful with my heart now, now that it’s free from him, now that it’s mine again. But I want so badly to give it to you.

Please hurry up and know that I love you.