I brought snicker-doodle ice cream home for Grace

It's been a whopping four days since Daniel and I last spoke. It's been weird, but not hard to keep myself from texting him. We've been blowing up at each other so much recently. I'm still pretty mad.
I'm not mad at Ryan though. He knows me and he makes me laugh so hard. When he reaches for my hand, I let him, and when he reaches for the check (Denny's milkshakes for the zillionth time) I let him too, although with more resistance.
We drive home and walk up to his dorm...and hesitate in his doorway. He kinda looks at me and I bite my lip and he holds open his arms. I bury my face in his shoulder, smell the leather of his jacket.
After a couple moments, he sighs. "I should probably go."
Ah, yes. He has a date after this. With a girl he's not dating because his feelings are kinda split and confused. I want to be mad and jealous but I've spent the whole semester feeling split and confused too.
"Nooo," I'm muffled against his shoulder, so I pull away slightly. He dips his head, nestling his forehead against mine. We're quiet for a long moment. I feel like I can't get a deep breath.
"What are you thinking?" I ask.
"Nothing useful," is his response.
"That depends on your definition.."
We're both a little frozen in indecision. I want to kiss him so badly. Probably for some wrong reasons but for some right ones too. This is the last time I'll see him for two and a half years. That's a long time. I could be married by the time he gets home (hah). Or just be an entirely different person. Both technically reasons why I shouldn't. But man, I want to.
We hear footsteps around the corner and break apart. I take a step back, but he catches my hand, holding it with loose fingers. A guy comes around the corner.
"Oh. Hey Ryan."
"Hey Jayson."
And he keeps walking.
Ryan looks down at me. "Jess...I really need to-"
In a kinda signature Jessica move, I take a step back in, grab his shirt and pull his lips to mine. There's a moment where it's almost like he's so surprised that he forgets to kiss me back, but then his lips part under the pressure and his hands find the small of my back, pulling me closer. It's slow and it's brief and then he's pulling away.
Frik. He's a good kisser. I'm grinning like an idiot and he's...pressing his lips together..
"Was that okay?" I ask. I'm suddenly terrified I overstepped some unspoken line.
He hesitates for a heart-breaking moment.
"Yes." He doesn't pull away but he doesn't sound sure.
"Ryan, I'm sorry if I...if this isn't what you..."
"No. It was something I wanted to do before I left."
What, like a checklist? Uhhh okay.
"You seem very hesitant."
He draws me back in, brushing his lips against mine, kissing me for a long moment that still isn't enough. His voice is low when he speaks again.
"I'm not hesitant about you or this. Just the timing."
I groan. "Sorry.."
"It's okay. We've both been a little wrapped up." His nose brushes mine. I close my eyes.
"Is this still okay now? I can leave..."
"It's okay," he repeats. I need more than okay though.
"It's...enjoyable?" The awkward phrasing tumbles out of my mouth before I can stop it, but he just laughs.
"Very much so.
And our lips meet again.. and again.. and again. I make him a half hour late to his date (a mixture of talking and a little kissing, no hardcore makeouts here) and I should care more but I don't.
I finally separate myself, because he seems incapable of doing so, which is a really good feeling. I back out of the doorway, eyes lingering on his.
"I'll see you later," he says.
"Someday?" I smirk.
He gives me a stern look. "What crude language. We don't use that word, remember?"
I step back to him, lifting my lips to his.
"I'm sorry. Does that make up for it?"
He frowns. "I dunno.."
I laugh and kiss him again, lingering for too long. We draw apart and the moment has a certain finality to it.
"Later," I confirm.
"Later." His lips brush my forehead and I squeeze his hand. Then I turn down the hallway and I  don't look back.

The moment I reach the safety of my car, I'm crying. I've used up at least two lifetimes of tears in the past month and a half. I am so sick of crying.
And it's only half because.. that was it. I may never see him again.
The other half is a sudden and awful realization that.. he's not you.
If I'm being honest, I've known for a while. I knew it before I kissed him and I kissed him anyway. The knowledge doesn't mean that I suddenly like him any less or that we're not as good friends anymore. But our differences in humor and age are too much.
I need to start paying attention to that voice telling me who is and isn't you, preferably before I kiss them. I can't keep kissing everyone. It's not going to solve my loneliness and it won't make my problems with Daniel disappear. It's just complicating my path to you.
        I know hearing this must be getting old, but please get here soon, and know that I love you.

After listening to me rant about everything that happened this summer with Daniel.. everything I hadn’t told her.. well the first thing she did is hit me with a pillow. Repeatedly.

And then Grace and I sat down and made rules for me. It’s like last week when she set bedtimes for me because I was sick and not taking care of myself. Sometimes I just need someone to give me boundaries and love me.

We call them:

THE DANIEL RULES

1)      Don’t tell him about the rules.

I literally broke this rule hours after we set it. I couldn’t limit communication with him and not explain. It was an awful idea to tell him, because he launched into a rant about how Mormonism is keeping us apart and I just need to “accept that I’m wrong.” Time spent crying after breaking the rule: 15 minutes. On Skype still.

2)      Skype only once a week for no more than two hours.

Yeah this got broken with the last one. Time spent crying after breaking this rule (after hanging up): 30 minutes.

3)      No talking about each other’s romantic lives.

Last week a girl came over to watch a movie with him and played with his hair. It’s been killing me and I just want to ask about her all the time and it needs to stop. Time spent crying about this before this rule: 10 minutes.

4)      Limit the amount of flirting that goes on.

Apparently Grace didn’t think we were capable of stopping completely. But I’m not allowed to tell him I miss him or I love him anymore. It makes sense. He started the flirting last night though. And it was bad because we….

5)      No texting each other after midnight

…texted until 2 am. We fought over who started breaking rule #4 first, and he said he couldn’t take another fight about this.

Me: I think you actually enjoy these fights. You like telling me how wrong I am in a variety of situations.

Daniel: Why would I like that. I don’t want you to be wrong.

Me: Well good because I’m freaking not wrong about my religion.

Yeah. It was bad. Time spent crying after breaking rule 4 and 5: 1 hour.

The rules came with the condition that I’d report my infractions within 24 hours to Grace and that she could decide on my “punishment.” Mostly it’s been getting hit with pillows and then getting an even bigger hug because I start crying again. She’s been so supportive. It’s been stupid hard and I feel like a broken record but she’s been there every step. She reminds me that Daniel is an *** (her wording.. literally).

I know he’s not you.

I’m reminded every time he and I awkwardly gloss over a church related topic.. when we full out fight over it. When he tells me I’m wrong and bad and purposefully hurts me.

He’s not a member and he never will be. He doesn’t respect the church, so he doesn’t really respect me. He is not you.

But I love him, dammit. I could write paragraphs about how wonderful he is and how he’s very good for me and it would all be true.

I know he’s not you. But you’re not here. I’m so tired of looking.

Please come soon and know that I’ll love you even more.

Thanksgiving would've been better with more parmesan

It breaks my heart to admit how awkward it is to be around my entire family right now. I knew it was bad last Christmas, but it hasn’t gotten any better.

It’s not anything they consciously do. It’s half just my overreacting. But what else am I supposed to do when I’m constantly surrounded by couples and “family units” and everyone is making jokes about it? They’re not funny anymore. I haven’t found you and I don’t need it rubbed in my face.

Basically Thanksgiving was not a happy vacation holiday like I needed it to be. I should want to spend time with my family. But I’m honestly just dreading Christmas.

It’s a relief then, to find myself at ease around Lauren and her husband, McKay. Grace and I take a road-trip up to see them, and also for Autumn’s homecoming.

*Sidestory alert*

Autumn’s homecoming is amazing. We surprise her and the minute we walked into the chapel, her jaw drops. When she hugs us after her talk, she starts crying. And then we spend the next hour catching up with her slightly neglecting her other guests. It’s awesome. We’re very excited for her to come back to school next semester. 

I think I feel so comfortable half because McKay and I are actually friends, and half because I have Grace there and we’re basically a married couple. But Lauren and I have always (well post-childhood anyway. We kinda bumped heads when we were littler) had an easy relationship. Even after months of not calling her, it feels the same. I feel the same around her. I don’t feel alone.

We’re sitting in the pizza restaurant across the table from each other and laughing and planning the decorations on our gingerbread houses that should be steady by the time we get home.

And then.

McKay reaches for the parmesan shaker.

*Sidestory alert*

The Rosa family has a bit of a reputation for loosening the lids on parmesan and pepper shakers. Tanner probably started it. I did it on my awful date with Brandon and barely kept a straight face when he used it and got a pizza full of parmesan. Someone (none of us remember doing it, that’s how subconscious it is now) did it at Lauren's wedding luncheon, and Dad got a plate full of parmesan. It’s just a thing.

 So of course I can’t resist loosening the parmesan shaker lid at this restaurant.

McKay brings the shaker to his plate and tips it. And then Lauren makes some snarky comment at him, and he pauses less than half a second from a plate full of parmesan. And reverses the direction. And jokingly waves the parmesan shaker at her.

POOF.

Lauren full of parmesan.

There is a literal four seconds of silence at the table.

Then Lauren's eyes narrow and she looks straight at me. “Jessica.” It’s not a question.

And Grace bursts out laughing. McKay joins in nervously. That’s all it takes to release the laughter balling up in my throat. I start and I can’t stop.

Lauren pinches parmesan off her shirt and throws it at me, but she’s laughing too, and Grace is nearly in tears from laughing so hard, and I can’t stop laughing.

Later, in the middle of finishing our gingerbread houses, Lauren finds some parmesan on her shoe that we missed, and we all start laughing again.

It’s a moment of ease and relief.. to be laughing more than crying. That’s not how it’s been lately.

Be prepared for pizza with my family where at least one person, most likely you since you’ll be the newb, will end up with a slice so buried in parmesan that you can barely see the pizza anymore, and be prepared for endless laughter about it, and know that I love you.