Ian,

April 14, 2015

      When I set out to write this, I didn’t think it would change me, but more importantly, I didn’t think it would change you.

It has.

I guess this is the first time I’ve really looked at our story my story, where you’re in it, from a broader viewpoint. It’s helped me to see a lot of different truths.

I realize that I loved you. As much as a teenager is capable of, I loved you. I want to believe that you loved me too. I think you thought you loved me. But I don’t think you actually did.

I see how manipulative you were. You were my first everything and you took advantage of that. You were loving, sure, but you also had me doing things that aren’t me—lying to my parents, ditching my friends, rebelling against a religion I know and love. Of course I have to take responsibility for my actions. But you had a (heavy) hand in it all.

It’s taken me a while to understand that those things aren’t who I am. They’re things I did, maybe even things I got comfortable doing, but they’re not me. I’m not a liar. I’m not disloyal to my friends. I’m not a rebellious Mormon.

I’m not under your influence anymore.

It’s scary to look back and see the kind of effect you had on me. You were like a drug, as cliché and awful as that sounds. You were a drug and I was addicted.

Not anymore.