I hope to God that I never pass out in front of you

Alrighty here mister, you listen up.

If I ever get the crazy idea in my head that “foot-zoning” is a good thing for me to try again..

You HAVE to stop me. My feet should not be zoned. Absolutely never.

Kristen and Lauren and I went to a Women’s Expo thing today, which was glorious and it’s ridiculous how long it’s been since I’ve seen either of them.

They had this booth about foot-zoning. Faith’s grandma does it and I thought, what’s the harm? And I signed up for a ten minute sample.

What’s the harm.

Pfft.

So the lady started chatting and rubbing my feet.

“Do you have circulation problems?” She said, all random.

Why yes I do. Renolds, where my fingers and toes turn white if I get too cold for too long (Pay attention, cuz this is something you’ll have to know about me too).

And I guess she could tell through foot-zoning? It’s a legit thing. Very very legit, as I was about to find out. She started “working my circulation” through my feet. It was going great until I started to feel nauseous. But I didn't want to be wimpy, so I just ignored it.

About a minute later, I got suuuppper light-headed and my vision started to go a little black, so I said something and she started trying to reverse whatever the heck she did. I was sure I was gonna be sick, so I ran to the trashcan.

And that’s it.

That’s all I remember.

Next thing I knew, I was waking up, sitting in my chair again, and Kristen was on the phone with 911 and the lady was waving some stupid essential oil under my nose to try to bring me to again.

It took me a couple minutes to really become responsive again, during which I learned:

I walked back from the trashcan? (I have no memory of that). And then got all pale and clammy and just kinda drooped there and passed out for two minutes.

Two. Minutes.

I guess the lady really overdid it with the circulation thing. She was trying to get more blood into my feet and she got ALL MY BLOOD INTO MY FEET.

At this point, the paramedics were already on their way, so they came and checked me out, took my blood pressure and all that.

The guy who took my pulse was actually really cute. Was that you??

And of course I was fine, my vitals were normal and whatever. They told me that if I passed out again, I should go to the ER.

Wow. Thank you for that life-changing advice.

Lauren and Kristen were all cautious around me the rest of the afternoon. Like, holding my arm as we went down stairs, asking me if I needed to sit down, buying me food to get something into me. I was being all grouchy and saying that I was fine.. but I was feeling a little weak still. We went home earlier than I think they wanted to. But they were super good about it. They even called me later tonight to make sure I was feeling okay. And to ask me how my finals went. (I hope your finals went well, if you had to take them this week).

And actually, my finals went fantastically. I'm officially done with this semester.

Moral of the story? If you want to do well on your exams, just go pass out for two minutes. 

Life-changing advice.
Please never let me do foot-zoning and know that I love you.