Jason is married

 I keep looking at Jason's wedding photos and just feeling this sense of … loss. Like that was supposed to be my future and it was taken away from me.

Because I can hate on Jason all I want, talk about how unhealthy our relationship was and how unstable he could be. I could talk about the nights spent driving around crying because it didn't feel safe to be home. I could go on about how he yelled and screamed in my face. How he called me an idiot, stupid. How he never bought me flowers even once. How sometimes I wish he'd just get it over with and hit me so I would have a reason to leave him. How terrible his mood swings were and how much I went through to support him regardless. How he didn't care and didn't want to get better. And it'd all be absolutely true.

But that's not the full story. I could also talk about how gorgeous his smile was. How his laugh made me feel all warm inside. I could go on about the countless drunk nights and road trip adventures. How good the sex was, how hard-working he was, how much he loved to dance (badly). How in love I was, how much I wanted to marry him. And it'd be just as true as all the negatives.

I think if he hadn't had his mental break, I would've gone through with it. I would've married him and had gorgeous beach wedding pictures. I would've worn my lace wedding dress and looked a heck of a lot like his actual wedding photos (just brunette instead). We could've traveled the world and had more crazy adventures.

But he did have his mental break and it left me with almost no choice. I had to leave. I had to leave. I couldn't stay and be so grossly mistreated while he figured out his mental health. I had to leave. I loved him with everything I was and depended on him and I had to leave.

And I'm still freaking pissed about it. It didn't have to be like that. I'm glad that the mental issues came out before we were married so that I could leave, but if he was just a stable person. If he had been able to handle his shit. If he hadn't gone off his meds. If if if.

But he did. And I left. And I was so glad to be out that I never really mourned the life we could've had together. Even though it wasn't my fault, even though it's been three years, even though it's pointless.. It could've been amazing.

It doesn't mean I don't love Luke and our life together. What we have together is so incredibly healthy and good and solid. I'll have my amazing future with a more stable, kind, and supportive person and that's the happy ending here. I'll be okay.

But please, give me a little bit to just sit with these emotions and mourn that future, and know that I love you.