Jason is married

 I keep looking at Jason's wedding photos and just feeling this sense of … loss. Like that was supposed to be my future and it was taken away from me.

Because I can hate on Jason all I want, talk about how unhealthy our relationship was and how unstable he could be. I could talk about the nights spent driving around crying because it didn't feel safe to be home. I could go on about how he yelled and screamed in my face. How he called me an idiot, stupid. How he never bought me flowers even once. How sometimes I wish he'd just get it over with and hit me so I would have a reason to leave him. How terrible his mood swings were and how much I went through to support him regardless. How he didn't care and didn't want to get better. And it'd all be absolutely true.

But that's not the full story. I could also talk about how gorgeous his smile was. How his laugh made me feel all warm inside. I could go on about the countless drunk nights and road trip adventures. How good the sex was, how hard-working he was, how much he loved to dance (badly). How in love I was, how much I wanted to marry him. And it'd be just as true as all the negatives.

I think if he hadn't had his mental break, I would've gone through with it. I would've married him and had gorgeous beach wedding pictures. I would've worn my lace wedding dress and looked a heck of a lot like his actual wedding photos (just brunette instead). We could've traveled the world and had more crazy adventures.

But he did have his mental break and it left me with almost no choice. I had to leave. I had to leave. I couldn't stay and be so grossly mistreated while he figured out his mental health. I had to leave. I loved him with everything I was and depended on him and I had to leave.

And I'm still freaking pissed about it. It didn't have to be like that. I'm glad that the mental issues came out before we were married so that I could leave, but if he was just a stable person. If he had been able to handle his shit. If he hadn't gone off his meds. If if if.

But he did. And I left. And I was so glad to be out that I never really mourned the life we could've had together. Even though it wasn't my fault, even though it's been three years, even though it's pointless.. It could've been amazing.

It doesn't mean I don't love Luke and our life together. What we have together is so incredibly healthy and good and solid. I'll have my amazing future with a more stable, kind, and supportive person and that's the happy ending here. I'll be okay.

But please, give me a little bit to just sit with these emotions and mourn that future, and know that I love you. 

Familiarity with Luke

I was watching TV with Luke the other day. We were just sitting on the couch next to each other. I reached over to put my hand on his leg and he wrapped his hand over mine like I knew he would, smoothing his thumb along the back of my palm for a moment.

We were in the grocery store, standing in front of an aisle, trying to choose something. Luke leaned over and put a casual hand on my waist, drawing me near and pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

I couldn't sleep, so I was scrolling on my phone while Luke slept peacefully next to me. He stirred and flopped his arm around for a minute until he bumped into me. Having found me, he curled his body around mine. Just wanting to be close to me, even in sleep.

Luke and I aren't really in the honeymoon phase anymore. We don't have to be touchy-feely. It's just .. nice. And that sounds so dumb and cliche and like we are in the honeymoon phase but honestly, it's just nice to be this familiar with someone, to be able to be in contact with them throughout the day, a wordless reassurance here and there.

One of my first posts here for you was wanting to be familiar with you. To learn how you kiss, to talk about the stupidest and most insignificant things from our days. To know you and have you know me. And I have that now. I know it's not that special or unusual. There'd be familiarity with anyone who is around basically 24/7. It's doesn't mean he and I have an unbreakable, perfect relationship.

But it's a nice little box to check anyway :)

Please always have the familiarity that lets you kiss the top of my head in the freezer aisle, and know that I love you.

Crazy times mean moments of gratefulness

In these crazy, crazy times, I'm really lucky to have so much stability in my life.

I have job security; I've worked hard to be indispensable as a teacher, editor, writer, and even programmer occasionally. I enjoy what I do and my coworkers are lovely (for the most part). I always worried I wouldn't be able to hold a job, and it's nice to know that that fear is mostly unfounded.

I have mental and emotional stability (as much as anyone can). Depression and anxiety come and go, but I've learned to work with them and do what I can. Recently, an "Ian song" came on my Spotify playlist. I waited for the icy seizing up in my chest, but it didn't come. I always worried I would never get over what happened with him, and it's nice to know that that fear wasn't real.

I have relationship stability. I haven't introduced him here; I've felt hesitant and protective of our relationship. He also doesn't make for crazy exciting stories like Jason. But that's a good thing. I don't need a partner that creates adventure in my life. Life is adventurous enough. I'm happy to have someone dependable, smart, and, above all, kind. He's one of the kindest people I've ever met. I always worried I wouldn't find a satisfying long term relationship, and it's nice to know that that's not a relevant fear anymore.

We got a puppy about 6 months ago! We are house shopping together. We're planning an engagement when this pandemic nonsense is finally over. We have a ten-year plan that includes tons of travel and no children.

I guess I'm just saying that things are good. I've waited a long time to feel like this, even just in small moments like now.

Please help me raise our dog, choose our house, and live our lives together, and know that I love you.