After a year of not writing, a mixture of boredom (graduating college is weird) and pain (breaking things off with my fiance) have brought me back.
There is too much to catch up on and not enough words to say it. The scary part though is that I don't even want to write about it all. Not yet. I've always said writing it is how I mourn the relationship and (besides the fact that it's not truly ended yet) I'm just not ready to mourn it.
Because it has been one of the biggest adventures of my life so far. A crazy, beautiful, hard, and heart-breaking adventure with a wonderful man. A man that I was ready to marry.
But a man that is not you.
This heart-breaking realization has been a long time coming, but the lack of surprise doesn't make up for the pain of it. I love him. And if we were already married, I would try to push through a little further. But we aren't married. And I can't commit to a marriage where it has so far proven impossible for us to take care of each other. I deserve someone who can be strong on my off days. Not someone who will perpetuate the bad days and make them worse.
He doesn't mean to. He would never hurt me. But the truth is that we aren't a good match, not with our mental health. We aren't breaking up because I am depressed/anxious or because he is bipolar. We are breaking up because of the combination of the two.
It doesn't work.
It doesn't change the fact that I want to keep trying, I want to fix things, want to figure a way out of this. I don't want to face the pain of the breakup. I keep hoping that he will somehow convince me out of breaking up with him, the same way he did about a year ago. But he won't. Because he knows as well as I do that we don't work together. We are both finding ways to delay the inevitable but it is inevitable.
We aren't good for each other. We were for so long and I keep trying to find the moment that changed. Why didn't his bipolar manifest itself earlier? To show us that we weren't a good match a long time ago. Or even manifesting later, when we were already married and had to stick around and figure it out.
We don't have to figure it out. We are free to choose a marriage, a life that isn't so hard. And we are.
He is not you.
I'm trying so hard to find a way to be okay with that.
Please have (or get) a handle on your mental health and know that I love you.
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