Because things have been getting bad again, here is...

How to take care of a Jessica (Part two)

• Clean a lot
• Depression makes it hard to stay neat but clutter doesn't help at all
• Dishes, laundry, things like that
• Get me some healthy food
• I pretty much live off of pasta during bad depression dips
• It's probably not the best for me but I never feel like cooking
• So it's a good idea to get an actual nutritious meal into me every once in a while
• Don't make me self-conscious about staying home all day
• When you get home and see that I didn't make it to class or work or to hang out with friends/family, don't make a big deal
• Don't ask if I went
• I obviously didn't
• And I probably already feel terrible about it
• Just come hug me 
• And maybe volunteer to......
• Help me to get out of the house
• This was on the last list but it's another tendency I have 
• I just sit there all day and don't do anything
• Don't make me feel guilty or lazy, because I promise it's not laziness
• Just help me get out and about even for just a couple hours
• Retail therapy
• It sounds fake but it weirdly helps
• Getting a new pair of flip flops or a new swimsuit or something
• It just makes me feel a little better about myself
• I don't know??
• Help me manage my schoolwork
• I may refuse to accept help on this but...
• I get overwhelmed really easily when depression is bad and school is busy
• It helps to break the assignments into bite-sized chunks
• But if I really feel like I can't do something, don't make me. And help me feel better about taking care of myself instead of my grade
• Give me space
• Again, a version of this was on the last list but it's so freaking important
• A lot of the time I don't want company and I don't want to chat or laugh or joke
• I just need to be sad for a little bit
• Don't keep asking me what's wrong or how you can help
• Just leave me be for a little bit
• But don't leave me alone
• Depression and alone time don't mix very well
• You can give me space and still be home with me
• I know it's a hard balance, sorry
• Help me set up a therapy appointment
• Something I probably won't want help with again...
• But if it's been bad for a while and it's not getting better, one session might not be a bad idea
• I just get anxious about talking on the phone to people, so it's hard for me to set appointments
• Plus I technically don't have a therapist right now so that's a whole issue I don't want to deal with
• Take me to the library
• I love books and quiet zones
• And randomly grabbing books off the shelf and reading them in one sitting without even checking them out
• Binge watch Netflix with me
• Help me not feel alone doing something that is very typical of me during depression dips
• Watch stupid youtube videos with me
• Jimmy Fallon recommended
• Just because he always makes me laugh
• Remind me to write it out
• Buy me my favorite pens 
• And help me to process my crap by writing it down
• I'll go months without writing when things get bad
• But it really does help, so just help me get started

     Please hang on through the bad depression dips and know that, no matter how bad depression gets, I love you.

Pretty much the most adorable story of this milestone

“I have to call Diane really fast, okay? It’s her birthday.”

“Go for it,” I say.

He dials her number and while it’s ringing, says, “Her approval is up there with Kiliki’s.”

Oh boy. No pressure.

They talk for a little. She’s on speaker but I’m mostly quiet. After a while, he brings me up. She asks some questions and he tells her how important her approval is.

“I’m sure I’ll love her,” Diane says.

“Yeah,” Jason meets my eyes and grins. “I love he—”

He cuts off abruptly and there’s a solid eight second of silence before Diane speaks.

“Wait, did you really just say that? Am I seriously a part of this?” She’s way excited and Jason just looks panicked.

“Uhhh I’ll call you back,” he says and hangs up.

He looks at me with wide eyes and I just bust up laughing. He protests and sputters excuses. I shove his shoulder playfully and say “You loooooove me.”

It takes an entire night of teasing before he finally admits it, on the doorstep, right before I’m about to go inside.

“I like you,” I say. Standard farewell between us.

“I love you,” he says. Not standard reply.

I start giggling and he says “What??” and I try to explain that I’m not laughing at him but the only words I can get out are “I didn’t think you’d actually admit it!”

He pulls me to him a little roughly and very suddenly and presses his lips to mine to shut me up. It works.

“Well I do,” he says.

I grin and bite down the giggle. “I love you too.”

Please don't be afraid to tell me that you love me and know that I love you too.

Summarizing a crap load because a crap load has happened

     Jason getting a little angry and stern shouldn't have been a big deal. But considering what I've gone through and considering he got a little physically rough, it was a big deal.

     Grace helped me through the panic attack I had over being alone with him. She helped me write the text ending things.

     Jason insisted on talking things over in person. I'm not even sure what happened, but we ended up kissing and when he tried to define our relationship, I couldn't give an answer. He was patient.

     Telling my family about Jason's anger incident (they're calling it "the original Jason experience) made them give me firm talks about cycles of abuse and how abusers can seem very charming... things that I already know. 

     And then Daniel freaking lost his crap that I was seeing another guy who wasn't treating me super well. He declared his eternal love for me and tried to start things up. It's been a roller coaster with him, but I wasn't interested.

     Aaaand then Bandaid Peter from work decided to ask me on a date as well. It went fine, but date two was less fine. I was a little bored. I found myself wishing that I was on the date with Jason instead. 

     Jason noticed how upset I was at work (over Daniel and Peter and just my dating life being a mess) and took me out to Denny's and was just the friend I needed. 

     Grace was/is not supportive of me spending time with Jason again because of "the original Jason experience." She's gotten so upset over it that I've stopped telling her about him. As far as she knows, I've been spending a lot of time with family lately. 

     But we have been spending a lot of time together lately and after all of this drama and crap has passed, it's been pretty wonderful.

     Please be willing to stay through possible drama and know that I love you.