And sometimes work is really hard

I swipe another tear out of the corner of my eye, mostly just annoyed at it. The middle of my lifeguard shift is not a convenient time to cry.

But frik. I went in to talk to Jason and Kathy about missing work on Monday, and the first thing they told me was that next time I was throwing up all night and morning, I should come into work anyway. And that I still needed a doctor's note to excuse me, even though the next available appointment isn't until Saturday… when I'm won't be sick, and the doctor will have no way of knowing for sure if I was sick. They're making me spend $30 bucks to get a piece of paper that doesn't even prove I wasn't lying.

Whatever. I was happy enough to end the conversation there, but they weren't. They told me they'd received a couple comments about my performance. Of course, Liz…

A couple weeks ago, we were doing in-water training. It was program pool, so shallow water, meaning lifeguards could keep their head dry as long as we weren't playing victim. Two other unlucky guards had to play victim, but on the third and final example, Liz asked me to be victim.

I bit my lip, debated how much I cared about getting my hair wet… It wasn't even that I'd just washed it or that I had an important event after work. I just really didn't want to deal with a bundle of wet hair the entire shift for the fourth time that week.

"Is it okay if Felicia is victim again? I'm still relatively dry.."

Felicia had jumped in, perfectly willing, but Liz had just pressed her lips together and not said another word.

…to me at least. Apparently she had more than a few words for Kathy and Jason. They told me that one comment was that I "wasn't complying with my supervisor," that I was "refusing to do in-water training because I didn't want to get wet."

IT WASN'T THAT BIG A DEAL. I was doing the training. I was complying. I just thought that maybe someone who was already wet should play victim for our very last example?? If she really felt strongly about it, she should've said something there, and I would've played the stupid effing victim. She shouldn't have gone to Kathy and Jason about it when it could've been resolved literally right there when it happened.

But of course, that wasn't the only comment. They also told me that "someone" had informed them that I was "grumpy and complainy" when I didn't get the spot in rotation that I wanted.

Okay, I admit to being particular about my rotation. It's half because my anxiety; I just want a consistent schedule, including rotation. I don't care where I start, I just want to start in the same place every day. The other half is because I usually pull lanelines (and that position gives me more than two breaks..).

Again, that's something that Liz should've come talked to me about herself. All she had to say was "I'd like it if you were willing to go anywhere in rotation." And I would've shaped up.

Not that there was really that much shaping up to do. If we're being honest, the only reason she made that comment to Jason and Kathy was because I corrected her on rotation. She was trying to add in brown chair because we were "busy" (really not that busy) and she made rotation go program, tall, brown, rove, deep, then comp? That's just a stupid rotation. Like it makes no sense. Every single other supervisor (and Jason and Kathy) add in brown after program and before tall. It makes more directional sense and it screws up regular rotation a whole lot less. But when I tried to explain that to Liz, she got defensive and said "Well I already told the rotating guard, so we're doing it this way."

And because I was "complaining," she added that to the list of things to report to Jason and Kathy. Really for someone who likes to do everything by the book, her rotation and trainings are constantly riddled with mistakes, both big and small, and I'm not the only one who corrects her.

She drives me up the wall crazy and instead of just talking to me about it (no matter how much I dislike her, I would've taken her comments into consideration) she felt the need to bring our bosses into it. Like, I'm pretty sure they have better things to do than deal with this crap??

A glance at my phone tells me that I've only got seven minutes of my break left. I grab a wad of toilet paper from the dispenser and start wiping at my mascara, applied for Hugo, and running down my cheeks because of Liz. To be fair, I take criticism really really hard. It's only because I get it so rarely.

It takes a minute, but I stop crying and manage to clean all the mascara from my face. I take a breath and return to the guard room, which is thankfully empty of Liz for the moment being.

I have just enough time to chug down my shake before I have to grab my tube and rotate. Liz catches me on my way out and her way in. I drop my eyes as she gives instructions on how to reach her because she'll be cleaning the bleachers (a pointless task that no other supervisor put time into). I nod, mumble some form of acknowledgment, and crash into the trashcan as the door closes behind me.

Justin calls out to me as I pass him. I glance up with blurry eyes and he stops short. When he speaks again, his voice is a lot softer.

"How did the talk with Jason and Kathy go?"

"Fantastic."

He raises an eyebrow. "Sarcasm?"

"It was fine." I shrug, trying to sound nonchalant.

One glance at his face tells me he's not buying it. He grimaces. "Some…person…lied to them about some doozies…some of Jason and Kathy's pet peeves."

I bite my lip, the tears welling up again. "Yeah. I was a little blindsided."

"What exactly did they have to say? All I heard was that you didn't want to get wet during training, which doesn't sound like you at all."

I look up, shaking my head slightly. "There was also the comment that I get complainy about rotation."

He hesitates. "Complain-y isn't the right word."

"Either way, she should've come and talked to me about it first."

"Yeah. I would've." He doesn't even argue if it was a he or she. We both know who ratted me out.  "You okay now?"

"I'm fine." But my voice breaks when I say it.

I turn to keep walking, but he catches my arm. "Jess. I'm sorry that happened."

I press my lips together. "Yeah."

He continues on. "I've been chewed out by Jason and Kathy plenty of times. Half of the things I deserved a little and half were just blown out of proportion. It wasn't a big deal overall. It didn't stop me from becoming supervisor, so I doubt it'll screw up your chances either."

I nod, afraid of any more voice breaking.

"I'm not worried about you," he says.

I exhale, closing my eyes for a minute. That was exactly what I needed to hear.

"Thanks," I tell him.

He smiles and releases me and I continue on with rotation.
       Please don't be bothered by my natural response to any stressful situation (crying) and know that I love you.