Reasons why I haven't posted in weeks

I went to my Bishop for a temple recommend interview. When he asked me how my testimony was doing, I had to answer honestly that it’s been struggling.

There're some things about the LDS Church that just aren’t adding up. But when I tried to discuss it with my Bishop… in the hopes that he could help resolve some of my doubts, he shut me down.

“If you’ve had these doubts for a while, then why would you even come to BYU? You know there are tons of people who actually want to be here and who deserve to be here. If you can’t find your testimony by the time ecclesiastical endorsements roll around, I don’t feel comfortable endorsing you.”

Translation: get your crap together in a month or I’ll kick you out of BYU.

It wasn’t just unhelpful, it was damaging. The first person I reached out to was…

You guessed it. Ian.

He’s been through Church stuff with me before. I was hoping for a steady opinion and someone who knows me. But when he didn’t respond to my text within a day or so, I got a little worried. I looked him up on FB, but his name didn’t come up. Confused, I logged into my mom’s account and searched for him there. He came up.

So he frikkin' blocked me, which is great. After all we’ve been through, after all he’s put me through, he is the one blocking me?? Besides that though, he’s engaged. I have so many stupid and mixed emotions about that. My immediate reaction was jealousy and disappointment. Which is beyond crazy. My second reaction was a little saner, just an intense worry and fear for his fiancée. Who knows if he’s really changed.

The next person I reached out to was Daniel. He’s my best friend and has strong opinions on the church, so I should’ve known better. His first reaction was “Great! Now we can be together!”

It’s weird to realize that I don’t love him like that anymore. He’s been mean on purpose, been degrading and disrespectful, too many times. I see him differently. He’s still my best friend, a crazy mermaid genius, and I rely on him. But I don’t want anything romantic with him.

So the last person I felt comfortable reaching out to was Madeleine. We met when we were eleven and we've always been pretty close. She left the church several years ago. She’s been through all of this and she’s been an incredible help to me. She tries really hard to just give me feedback and keep her strongest opinions out of it. But she’s helped me to find a lot of information and to consider things a little more openly. I have a lot of crap in my head and she just helped me sort it and calm it down and figure it out a little bit. She’s a safe place.

I have a lot of information now and I’ve just been comparing and thinking a lot.

But it’s not gonna help me figure out my crap in a month.

So that’s why I sat in my Bishop’s office last week and gave all the answers that he wanted to hear, bore a testimony that I don’t have, smiled a lot. He gave me my ecclesiastical endorsement and renewed my temple recommend. At the end of the interview he shook my hand for like a minute and said “I can usually tell how a person is doing based on their countenance. And your countenance is so much brighter than it was when you first came to see me. You have come so far.”

It was shocking to hear. I’ve never doubted the authority of bishops, but there he was buying my cheap lines and telling me how much I’d improved. If I have improved, it’s not for the reasons he thinks or in the direction he wants. The whole interview just seemed like a joke.

It’s been a painful past month or so. I’m nowhere close to making decisions or acting or anything, but some of these realizations… I’m realizing that Church authority doesn’t give out facts and information that puts the church in the bad light. Like the whole “Joseph Smith didn’t write the first vision down until 10+ years after it happened and then he wrote a ton different versions. Some of these included him seeing only one person, seeing two people, seeing no specific people just a multitude of singing angels..” I don’t know. Some of the evidence is overwhelming. And to me, withholding evidence is a lot more suspicious than just being open about the facts, which the church just is not.

It's especially painful because I’ve built my entire identity around the church, around being Mormon. Not to mention my family and expectations for you.

Mostly I’m just really really scared and not ready to share or talk about this with anyone.

Please be patient with me as I figure things out and know that I love you.

And sometimes work is really hard

I swipe another tear out of the corner of my eye, mostly just annoyed at it. The middle of my lifeguard shift is not a convenient time to cry.

But frik. I went in to talk to Jason and Kathy about missing work on Monday, and the first thing they told me was that next time I was throwing up all night and morning, I should come into work anyway. And that I still needed a doctor's note to excuse me, even though the next available appointment isn't until Saturday… when I'm won't be sick, and the doctor will have no way of knowing for sure if I was sick. They're making me spend $30 bucks to get a piece of paper that doesn't even prove I wasn't lying.

Whatever. I was happy enough to end the conversation there, but they weren't. They told me they'd received a couple comments about my performance. Of course, Liz…

A couple weeks ago, we were doing in-water training. It was program pool, so shallow water, meaning lifeguards could keep their head dry as long as we weren't playing victim. Two other unlucky guards had to play victim, but on the third and final example, Liz asked me to be victim.

I bit my lip, debated how much I cared about getting my hair wet… It wasn't even that I'd just washed it or that I had an important event after work. I just really didn't want to deal with a bundle of wet hair the entire shift for the fourth time that week.

"Is it okay if Felicia is victim again? I'm still relatively dry.."

Felicia had jumped in, perfectly willing, but Liz had just pressed her lips together and not said another word.

…to me at least. Apparently she had more than a few words for Kathy and Jason. They told me that one comment was that I "wasn't complying with my supervisor," that I was "refusing to do in-water training because I didn't want to get wet."

IT WASN'T THAT BIG A DEAL. I was doing the training. I was complying. I just thought that maybe someone who was already wet should play victim for our very last example?? If she really felt strongly about it, she should've said something there, and I would've played the stupid effing victim. She shouldn't have gone to Kathy and Jason about it when it could've been resolved literally right there when it happened.

But of course, that wasn't the only comment. They also told me that "someone" had informed them that I was "grumpy and complainy" when I didn't get the spot in rotation that I wanted.

Okay, I admit to being particular about my rotation. It's half because my anxiety; I just want a consistent schedule, including rotation. I don't care where I start, I just want to start in the same place every day. The other half is because I usually pull lanelines (and that position gives me more than two breaks..).

Again, that's something that Liz should've come talked to me about herself. All she had to say was "I'd like it if you were willing to go anywhere in rotation." And I would've shaped up.

Not that there was really that much shaping up to do. If we're being honest, the only reason she made that comment to Jason and Kathy was because I corrected her on rotation. She was trying to add in brown chair because we were "busy" (really not that busy) and she made rotation go program, tall, brown, rove, deep, then comp? That's just a stupid rotation. Like it makes no sense. Every single other supervisor (and Jason and Kathy) add in brown after program and before tall. It makes more directional sense and it screws up regular rotation a whole lot less. But when I tried to explain that to Liz, she got defensive and said "Well I already told the rotating guard, so we're doing it this way."

And because I was "complaining," she added that to the list of things to report to Jason and Kathy. Really for someone who likes to do everything by the book, her rotation and trainings are constantly riddled with mistakes, both big and small, and I'm not the only one who corrects her.

She drives me up the wall crazy and instead of just talking to me about it (no matter how much I dislike her, I would've taken her comments into consideration) she felt the need to bring our bosses into it. Like, I'm pretty sure they have better things to do than deal with this crap??

A glance at my phone tells me that I've only got seven minutes of my break left. I grab a wad of toilet paper from the dispenser and start wiping at my mascara, applied for Hugo, and running down my cheeks because of Liz. To be fair, I take criticism really really hard. It's only because I get it so rarely.

It takes a minute, but I stop crying and manage to clean all the mascara from my face. I take a breath and return to the guard room, which is thankfully empty of Liz for the moment being.

I have just enough time to chug down my shake before I have to grab my tube and rotate. Liz catches me on my way out and her way in. I drop my eyes as she gives instructions on how to reach her because she'll be cleaning the bleachers (a pointless task that no other supervisor put time into). I nod, mumble some form of acknowledgment, and crash into the trashcan as the door closes behind me.

Justin calls out to me as I pass him. I glance up with blurry eyes and he stops short. When he speaks again, his voice is a lot softer.

"How did the talk with Jason and Kathy go?"

"Fantastic."

He raises an eyebrow. "Sarcasm?"

"It was fine." I shrug, trying to sound nonchalant.

One glance at his face tells me he's not buying it. He grimaces. "Some…person…lied to them about some doozies…some of Jason and Kathy's pet peeves."

I bite my lip, the tears welling up again. "Yeah. I was a little blindsided."

"What exactly did they have to say? All I heard was that you didn't want to get wet during training, which doesn't sound like you at all."

I look up, shaking my head slightly. "There was also the comment that I get complainy about rotation."

He hesitates. "Complain-y isn't the right word."

"Either way, she should've come and talked to me about it first."

"Yeah. I would've." He doesn't even argue if it was a he or she. We both know who ratted me out.  "You okay now?"

"I'm fine." But my voice breaks when I say it.

I turn to keep walking, but he catches my arm. "Jess. I'm sorry that happened."

I press my lips together. "Yeah."

He continues on. "I've been chewed out by Jason and Kathy plenty of times. Half of the things I deserved a little and half were just blown out of proportion. It wasn't a big deal overall. It didn't stop me from becoming supervisor, so I doubt it'll screw up your chances either."

I nod, afraid of any more voice breaking.

"I'm not worried about you," he says.

I exhale, closing my eyes for a minute. That was exactly what I needed to hear.

"Thanks," I tell him.

He smiles and releases me and I continue on with rotation.
       Please don't be bothered by my natural response to any stressful situation (crying) and know that I love you.

Sometimes I just really love my job

I finish hauling the lane lines out of the pool for water Zumba class, and decide that I should probably go apologize to Justin for snapping… but it wasn’t my fault that he tried to mess up my rotation.

The thing is, Justin is my best lifeguard friend. He’s married and a total goofball, so naturally he was the first one at the pool I felt comfortable around. That hasn’t changed, and that’s why I owe him an explanation for my grumpiness.

I push open the door to the main pool area, tossing my lifeguard tube into the guard room and walking over to Justin. He’s guarding the deep pool, which is totally empty, so it’s good timing at least. I walk past Hugo on my way. He’s roving, and he nudges me with his tube as I pass him. I glance back at him and roll my eyes.

I reach Justin, reaching out to brush his shoulder. He turns towards me.

“Got the lane lines out?”

I stick my tongue out at him. “Yeah. Even though you didn’t think I could do it.”

He shakes his head, turning back to scan his pool. “I never said that. I just offered to take that spot in rotation because I didn’t want you to have to handle it yourself.”

It’s the same thing. I let it slide with a simple and joking: “Well I did it record time, so there.”

He laughs, his eyes crinkling. I hesitate. Then, “I’m sorry for snapping about rotation.”

He frowns, eyes sweeping the surface of the pool. “It’s not a big deal.”

“I’m like stupidly stressed right now and-”

“That’s what I figured,” he says. “Too many essays and readings?”

“You know it.”

“Life of an English major.”

I wrinkle my nose at him, glad for the commiseration of English majors. “I just have this essay due today and I have a writing conference about it with this super intimidating teacher...”

A boy walks to the diving cliff and our conversation pauses as Justin waves him forward, giving him the okay to jump.

“Wait, this isn’t ‘you’re looking at your laptop too much during class’ teacher, is it??” Justin’s eyes follow the boy as he swims for the side.

I sigh. “That’s the one.”

“Oh boy. You’re allowed to be stressed.” The little boy clambers out of the pool and runs off.

“Well thanks. The thing is, the conference is at 2:30, so I needed this spot in rotation so I could end on break and get out of here on time…”

“Ahh.” He turns towards me. “That makes sense.”

“I shouldn’t have snapped though.”

He shrugs at me. “Jess, it’s you and me. Don’t worry about it. We’re good.”

I exhale, grateful to have at least that pressure off my shoulders. “Good.”

There’s a brief pause where I deliberate returning to the guard room, but just as I draw in a breath to say goodbye, he glances in my direction again.

“So you and Hugo, huh?”

My head whips around, my eyes wide. All too late, I realize my mistake in reacting this much. Justin’s eyes meet mine and they’re teasing and triumphant. Crap.

“It’s not…” my words fall short and Justin’s smile widens.

“He’s a nice kid.”

“He’s a pre-mi,” I counter.

“He doesn’t even have a departure date yet.”

“I’m not looking for short term.”

He grimaces, sincere empathy replacing the joking smile. “It’s pretty inconvenient to like him then.”

I refuse to admit to this straight out. I choose my words carefully. “It’s not like he feels the same anyway.”

Justin raises an eyebrow at me. “Have you seen the way he looks at you?”

This is cliché and probably not true and I draw in a surprised breath anyway. “Apparently not.”

I turn my head, eyes searching for the broad shoulders, the dark skin that reminds me way too much of Daniel, the new haircut that makes him look so much older. Hugo rounds the play structure, kicking a little bit of water up and swinging his tube and looking generally attractive. Damn it.

Justin turns his attention away from his empty pool for a minute, catching the direction of my gaze and giving a small laugh. “You have it bad.”

I shove him lightly. “Do not.”

He shakes his head at me. “If you say so.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m going to go enjoy the rest of my break now.”

“You do that. Say hi to Hugo for me as you pass him.”

I choose to ignore this comment, but as I walk across the pool deck, Hugo is walking in front of me, back turned and I see an opportunity…

Hugo is forever scaring the crap out of me. I’ve finally limited him to three scares a shift, so that I’m not extra on edge anymore. But he’s always bragging about how he’s unscare-able. We’ll see.

I tiptoe up behind him and seize his shoulders, giving a loud (and regrettable and embarrassing) “BOO!”

I swear that he jumps, but when he turns towards me, he’s just smiling extra big, no sign of fear in his dimples.

“Oh come on. I totally got you.”

He squints at me. “You totally didn’t.”

I nudge his shoulder with mine. “You jumped!”

“You like grabbed me and moved me!” He nudges me back.

I let out a dramatic sigh. “I’ll get you eventually.”

He laughs, turning away from me to continue roving. “Good luck with that.”

I stand there smiling like an idiot for a second too long, before catching myself, and confining myself to the guard room for the rest of my break.

It’s so strange to be feeling this way again, but it’s a welcome relief from constant heart-brokenness. Although that’s not completely over, as every argument and awkward moment with Daniel reminds me. I should probably just cut him off but that feels even worse.

At any rate, it feels good to be crushing on other boys again. It feels freeing. Daniel is losing his grip on me, the same way Ian did, the same way Tim did…

The same way you won’t.

Please be a goofball I’m immediately comfortable around, a joker that tolerates me trying (and apparently failing) to scare you, and know that I love you.