Since I’ve just recently been
reunited with my computer, there is a lot to catch you up on.
I guess last you heard I was in
Disneyland with Grace.
I thought of you on our long drive
home, when Shayla freaked out on us and tried to overheat. Grace and I both
panicked and called our Dads. We’re big girls and we figured it out, but what I
would’ve given to have you there. I know that I can be sensitive about gender
roles… and like I said, we figured it out fine. But it would’ve been a relief
to have a man there who knew how fix
my car, to have you there.
I thought of you while I was
packing everything up, wondering how many times we’d pack and unpack apartments
and houses together.
I thought of you on the drive home
from the airport with my parents. It was so nice to be back with my parents, my
family, and it made me excited for when “my family” means you.
I thought of you on the five year
anniversary of telling Ian I loved him. He was the first boy I told that, and
it terrifies me that I’ve yet to love anyone as much as I did him. And part of
that is feeling so undeserving of love, because of him, what he did, how he made
me. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to love as much as I know I’m
capable of, and to be loved in return. Please
come prove me wrong.
I thought of you my first Sunday at
singles’ ward. I sat in the chapel and looked around for you. There were the
standard awkward and intense old-ish guys. But not you (I hope).
I’ve thought of you a lot these
last couple weeks, when a moment of depression hits, and they’ve been hitting
more often. I’m slipping and the worst part is that there isn’t a lot I can do
about it. Depression isn’t something you can fight. It’s not even “something”,
it’s nothing. And you can’t fight nothing. You can’t fill it up. You can’t
cover it. It’s just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. And if I can’t
fight it, there’s even less that other people can do to help. I’ve always felt
guilty when people I care about try to help and can’t. They end up feeling sad
and frustrated and helpless. I never
want you to feel like that. I’ve been doing so much better lately, which has
made me hopeful for future relationships, for you. Sliding back is making me
feel like it’s not fair to me to be in relationships, it’s not fair to
the other person, it’s not fair to you…to put you in that position, to make you
feel helpless.
But all of my anxieties about how
my depression will affect you and us have never been able to fully crush my
hope for delirious happiness with you. I thought of you while I did dishes with
Mom and played video games with Dad. Something so small and stupid, but it was
time together. I can’t wait to do small and stupid things with you and to get
ridiculously giddy about it.
I’m pretty sure you’re not coming
into my life anytime soon. So.. I have time to work on my mental health and my
ability to help and let others help. I’ve always dreamed of having a total
handle on this stuff by the time you come around. That’s not realistic though.
I’m not sure I’ll ever have a real handle on it. I want to be better at least..
But, no matter where I am with
this, if you are the man I hope you are, you’ll love me anyway. You’ll love me
enough to work on it, to work with me, and together, we’ll figure it out.
Please be understanding and know I love you.
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