Last week’s post has got me  thinking a lot about ways other people can help with my depression. So, for your sake and for mine, I’ve made a very handy and informative list of..

WAYS TO TAKE CARE OF A JESSICA

·                     Make tea

·                     Chamomile tea

·                     With extra honey

·                     Turn on Tangled and cuddle under blankets

·                     Don’t get mad at me for quoting the entire movie

·                     It will happen

·                     There’s really no avoiding it

·                      Brave or Beauty and the Beast are also acceptable choices

·                     Bad puns are always a good bet

·                     Especially if you tell them in horrible/botched accents

·                     Chocolate chocolate donuts

·                     Lots of donuts

·                     Or cheese

·                     Cheese makes me happy too

·                     Help ground me in the present

·                     Sometimes flashbacks are hard

·                     Bring me socks because chances are I was wearing flip-flops and so I have no socks on and my                        feet are freezing

·                     Warm feet don’t solve depression but feeling taken care of helps a lot

·                     Remind me that I’m not damaged goods, I’m not a burden

·                     Take me for a drive

·                     I may or may not request to drive

·                     Windows down and music up is a must

·                     Offer me a selection of my favorite books

·                     Tell me that you are here, you’ll stick by me through all of the bad times and not just the good

·                     Play with my hair

·                     But please don’t try to run your fingers through it

·                     It’s curly hair

·                     That doesn’t work

·                     Get me outside

·                     Star-gazing

·                     Sun-bathing

·                     A walk around the block

·                     Just outside

·                     Tell me about some of your favorite good memories of us

·                     It’s a nice way to give me hope for future good times

·                     But never say “It’ll get better”

·                     I will smack you

·                     Open windows

·                     Get me in the shower

·                     *Accompanying me is optional

·                     TAKE ME TO A DOG

·                     Sometimes you just have to leave me alone

·                     Space is a beautiful thing

·                     And if I ask for it, I mean it

·                     It’s not code for “fuss over me more”

·                     I still love you though

·                     And don’t go too far away

·                     Offer to go work out with me

·                     Preferably swimming

·                     But never running

·                     Sit by me and do your own thing

·                     Don’t fuss over me, but be there

·                     Make sure I’m hydrated/have taken my meds

·                     Take me to buy new flip flops (Old navy, $2.50)

But most of all,

·         Remind me how much you love me

Please be empathetic and know I love you.

the word "hope" is entirely too present in this post for the amount of heavy here

Since I’ve just recently been reunited with my computer, there is a lot to catch you up on.

I guess last you heard I was in Disneyland with Grace.

I thought of you on our long drive home, when Shayla freaked out on us and tried to overheat. Grace and I both panicked and called our Dads. We’re big girls and we figured it out, but what I would’ve given to have you there. I know that I can be sensitive about gender roles… and like I said, we figured it out fine. But it would’ve been a relief to have a man there who knew how fix my car, to have you there.

I thought of you while I was packing everything up, wondering how many times we’d pack and unpack apartments and houses together.

I thought of you on the drive home from the airport with my parents. It was so nice to be back with my parents, my family, and it made me excited for when “my family” means you.

I thought of you on the five year anniversary of telling Ian I loved him. He was the first boy I told that, and it terrifies me that I’ve yet to love anyone as much as I did him. And part of that is feeling so undeserving of love, because of him, what he did, how he made me. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to love as much as I know I’m capable of, and to be loved in return. Please come prove me wrong.

I thought of you my first Sunday at singles’ ward. I sat in the chapel and looked around for you. There were the standard awkward and intense old-ish guys. But not you (I hope).

I’ve thought of you a lot these last couple weeks, when a moment of depression hits, and they’ve been hitting more often. I’m slipping and the worst part is that there isn’t a lot I can do about it. Depression isn’t something you can fight. It’s not even “something”, it’s nothing. And you can’t fight nothing. You can’t fill it up. You can’t cover it. It’s just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. And if I can’t fight it, there’s even less that other people can do to help. I’ve always felt guilty when people I care about try to help and can’t. They end up feeling sad and frustrated and helpless. I never want you to feel like that. I’ve been doing so much better lately, which has made me hopeful for future relationships, for you. Sliding back is making me feel like it’s not fair to me to be in relationships, it’s not fair to the other person, it’s not fair to you…to put you in that position, to make you feel helpless.

But all of my anxieties about how my depression will affect you and us have never been able to fully crush my hope for delirious happiness with you. I thought of you while I did dishes with Mom and played video games with Dad. Something so small and stupid, but it was time together. I can’t wait to do small and stupid things with you and to get ridiculously giddy about it.

I’m pretty sure you’re not coming into my life anytime soon. So.. I have time to work on my mental health and my ability to help and let others help. I’ve always dreamed of having a total handle on this stuff by the time you come around. That’s not realistic though. I’m not sure I’ll ever have a real handle on it. I want to be better at least..

But, no matter where I am with this, if you are the man I hope you are, you’ll love me anyway. You’ll love me enough to work on it, to work with me, and together, we’ll figure it out.

Please be understanding and know I love you.